Revelations on Tattoos and Piercings

(There are some extremely personal disclosures in this post and I'm nervous about publishing it. But I want to, and I trust that you, dear reader, will do your best to not judge me for what I'm about to reveal to you. Please understand that a lot of what happened to me while in California is still unclear to even me. Part of my 2012 New Year's resolution is to open myself up more to people, and I'm hoping that this wasn't jumping into it too fast. And if it was, well, fuck. Too late. No regrets.)

I realized, after getting my fifth tattoo a few weeks ago, that I get tattoos in times of love and piercings in times of pain.

I got my first tattoo out of love for myself. I wanted to embody the kind of person that I had been emulating since I was young, and the first step in that process was a tattoo. So I hung around Brady Street early in the morning on September 8th of 2007 and waited for the first shop to open. Not having any sort of real idea of myself or what was meaningful to me, got my birth year tattooed on the back of my neck. It was safe; something that will never change. I was so young.




I got my second tattoo, again, out of love for myself, but out of love and respect for my parents as well. My straight edge tattoo signifies the importance of living up to my parents' expectations by staying away from activities that could have caused them to be disappointed in me. I also got it as a protection from the peer pressure that was trying to convince me to doing things I wasn't quite ready to do. Even though it no longer describes a part of me, that time in my life was important and I like to look back on it and congratulate myself on a childhood well-spent.

My back piece represents my love for Brian and the love of finding my own way. I don't feel like elaborating on this right now because I'm currently a little heartbroken and thinking too much about the significance of this tattoo while I deal with losing my best friend and my love of three years is painful. Another post, another time.

The swallow behind my ear was to bind me to my best friends for life. Having so few female friends made this easy, and I know Courtney and Katie will always be there for me. We will always, always love and care about each other. And though we're physically far apart, we'll all always return home to each other, like a swallow always returns to shore.

'Someday' is California and a someone I met there. My time in California is difficult to explain, especially since it hasn't been long since I left. I'll have time to reflect once I'm back to normal Midwest life and maybe I'll come back and develop that part of this tattoo someday. But this stranger was a whirlwind that I had been avoiding my whole time in California. I couldn't help being sucked in. Although there wasn't enough time left in my L.A. adventure for much to develop between us, such strong feeling can not be ignored. A tattoo was necessary so that I would never forget how he made me feel. I'm very, very rarely so driven to get to know a person, and the few times these people have snuck into my life they confuse the fuck out of me. Why did this happen? What was it about him that drew me to him so strongly, like a moth to a flame? How did my last two weeks of California life turn into me thinking about him constantly, begging my phone to reveal a text, pining for time spent with him? How does that happen to a person? Where did my fucking defenses go? What made him different? His smile? His laugh? His seemingly unbound kindness? Its fucking me up. All I can do is hope I'll be back someday, and maybe I can find the answers to all those questions.


My piercings are different. The only times I have the urge to get pierced is when I'm unhappy. Usually boy problems. The only specific instance I can recall are the piercings I got in California because they were so recent. This was related to problems with Brian when I was in California and just a general feeling of self-loss sometime in the middle of my trip when I couldn't motivate myself to do nearly anything. But I don't think the isolated instances are important by themselves; the act has a meaning as a whole that demands explanation.

The piercings are desperate attempts at control. I'm hurting because of someone else, but I can make myself hurt more by choosing to get pierced. Control over the pain; a pain to drown out the other pain. A manifestation of my childhood cutting, I suppose (please never bring this up to me. I don't want to talk about what a dumbass kid I was). And then, after I feel that needle through my skin once again, I return to the one who is hurting me and boast, 'oh, by the way, i got a new piercing. i didn't tell you i was getting it because i needed to control it. it needed to be mine and not yours. you have no part in this pain, and this pain is now more important because, you and i, we can see it. visual pain of my own doing has replaced the invisible pain you've inflicted on me. that pain is now gone. you no longer have control. i control the pain. i have control.' And I feel better. I won't crave another piercing until I'm in pain again, and when that happens, I'll labor over choosing a desirable place to pierce among a range of ever-diminishing options. What am I going to do with my pain if I'm ever unable to get pierced? I kind of don't want to find out.

(If you comment, please stay anonymous. I don't want to know who's read this post.)